Desperation
by godessoftrees
Summary: Reaction piece to 6x01 and 6x02. Kurt succumbs to a debilitating depression after the break-up and running into his old lover doesn't help matters. Warnings: suicide, self-harm, depression


**A/N: **This is a reaction piece to 6x01 and 6x02. After watching them I needed to do something to sort through the mess that is now my OTP. The title comes from a song of the same name by Miranda Lambert.

**Warnings for this chapter: **self-harm, suicide, depression

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Glee.

Desperation

"Excuse me," Kurt said suddenly, "bathroom."

He couldn't take another moment of sitting there listening to Blaine and Dave Karofsky talk about their relationship. There shouldn't be a relationship between them. Blaine was supposed to be with Kurt. But Kurt had screwed everything up. He had thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him and now he was paying for it.

Locking the door to the bathroom, Kurt collapsed against the opposite wall in a fit of tears. He fumbled around in his messenger bag, looking for the one thing that would give him a reprieve from the emotional pain. Kurt had fallen into a deep depression after breaking up with Blaine. He slept the day away, when he wasn't at school or work. He barely ate anything. He truly hated himself for what he had done.

Kurt felt the cool metal of a razor blade against his fingertips. He pulled the instrument out, rolling up his sleeve quickly and pressing the sharp edge into his skin. Blood bubbled up and Kurt gasped in relief. He repeated the action again and again. His arm was already decorated with scars but Kurt would not be satisfied until he had bled out all of the negative emotions.

The wounds weren't deep and Kurt was able to clean them with alcohol pads before plastering them with Band-Aids. He slipped out of the bathroom and left Scandals without a glance in Blaine and Dave's direction. Blaine watched him leave. Dave watched Blaine with a knowing look.

"You still love him," Dave said without upset.

"I don't –"

"You don't have to lie, Blaine. I want you to be happy. Kurt makes you happy."

"He did," Blaine corrected him half-heartedly.

"He still does. I saw your face when you first saw him. Go after him."

"What about us?" Blaine asked.

"Blaine, let's be real. There never really was an 'us.' We haven't even had a real kiss. I thought you would eventually get over Kurt. But now I know I was wrong. And if you don't go after him you will be unhappy and you'll regret it."

"I didn't mean to lead you on or hurt you," Blaine said, laying a hand over Dave's on top of the table.

"I know you didn't," Dave said, giving Blaine's hand a quick squeeze before sliding his out from under Blaine's. "You're a good man, Blaine. Now go after Kurt before you lose your chance."

Blaine didn't need to be told twice. He pulled on his cardigan and ran out of the bar.

**K/B**

Kurt made his way through the empty house to his old bedroom, turning on lights as he went. He let his tears fall freely; knowing his father was in Washington D.C. with his step-mother and his sorrow would go unnoticed. He had never felt so alone.

A multitude of pictures featuring Kurt and with Blaine assaulted him upon entering his bedroom. No longer feeling he could endure the pain, he collapsed on his bed.

Kurt pressed against the fresh wounds on his wrist but the pain was no longer enough. He fumbled with his phone, ready to instinctively call Blaine before remembering that he no longer had the right. His father was too busy to deal with Kurt's petty problems and Kurt wouldn't burden Carole so soon after losing her son. He could call any of the glee kids; Kurt knew they would answer. But he also knew they were better off without him. Everyone was better off without him.

Looking back, Kurt would realize this as the moment he decided to end his life. He raided his medicine cabinet for the pain pills left over after he'd been attacked in New York City. The first ten Vicodin went down easily, and then the next ten followed. With those gone Kurt reached for the prescription bottle of Ambien. This prescription had just been filled. Kurt downed all thirty pills in three handfuls.

Preparing for death, Kurt stripped off his clothes and filled the bathtub with water. Before sinking into the tub he found a lose razor blade. The warmth of the water enveloped him as he leaned against the back wall of the tub. Kurt didn't know why he bothered but some part of him didn't want to leave this world without letting Blaine know how he felt about him, even after all this time and all they had been through. He sent a short text message to Blaine, Rachel, and his father before letting the phone fall into the bath water where it died.

Not wanting to delay the inevitable, Kurt pressed the blade deep into the flesh of his left wrist and pulled downward, creating a vertical gash. Blood poured out in a steady stream. He moved the blade to his right forearm and repeated the action. He had never cut this deeply before, or with this intent in mind. Kurt lowered his arms to submerge them into the water. The cuts stung and the water around the wounds was dyed reddish-pink. He moved his arms to the side of the tub as they felt too heavy for him to hold up on his own.

Kurt was now losing consciousness rapidly. Just before he slipped into the darkness completely he heard a door slam shut. Then he fell into blackness.

**K/B**

Blaine was almost to the Hummel house when his phone chirped with a new text message. After Quinn's accident, Blaine made a point to not text and drive. But this time something told him to look at the message. And he was so thankful that he did. There was a single message from Kurt which read, 'I love you. Have courage. Goodbye.'

Hazards flashing, Blaine sped to Kurt's house. Several lights were on but Blaine was aware that Kurt had the house to himself this weekend. He quickly found the hide-a-key and let himself in without bothering to knock. If Kurt's text meant what he thought it did then no time could be wasted.

Blaine climbed the stairs to Kurt's bedroom. Kurt wasn't there, but the bathroom door had been left open with the light on. The sight that greeted Blaine was one that would haunt him forever. Blaine gasped in horror, one hand flying to his mouth as he collided with the door in his haste to enter the room.

Kurt was lying unconscious in the bathtub. He was bleeding heavily from both wrists. The overflow drain was the only thing keeping the tub from flooding the bathroom. Blaine shut the water off and turned his attention back to Kurt. The blood was dripping down from where Kurt's arms rested on the side of the tub. The water around Kurt's torso was tinged pink. Blaine pulled out his phone and called 9-1-1.

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?" a woman's voice trilled over the line.

"My fiancé tried to kill himself. He slit his wrists and took some pills," Blaine said, noting the opened and empty pill bottles by the sink.

"Is he conscious?"

"No," Blaine answered as he checked for a heartbeat. "But he has a pulse."

"Okay, sir, you need to try to staunch the bleeding while the paramedics are en route. Are there any towels nearby?"

"Yeah, hold on." Blaine put the phone down and found a hand towel which he ripped in two. He tied the pieces of towel around both of his wrists tightly. Blaine had barely finished when Kurt began to convulse.

"He's having a seizure!" Blaine yelled into the phone.

"Okay, sir, you need to turn him onto his side," the woman instructed.

"He's in the bathtub," Blaine said helplessly.

"Try to lift him out."

Blaine reached his arms under Kurt's and pulled his naked body out of the tub. He laid him on the cold tile floor, positioning him on his left side.

"Okay, now what?"

"Put something soft under his head, like a pillow."

Unwilling to leave Kurt to get a pillow, Blaine cradled Kurt's head in his lap. After what seemed like hours but was really only minutes, Kurt's body stopped convulsing and he was still. Then Blaine heard the sirens.

"I'm up here!" he yelled when he heard the paramedics enter the house.

Blaine moved out of the way so the men could work on Kurt. After they had wrapped his wrists tightly and placed him on a stretcher, they started out of the house. Blaine jumped into the cab of the ambulance without asking for permission but neither man said anything as they took off towards Lima Memorial Hospital.

They were unloading Kurt at the ambulance bay when Blaine's phone rang. He was surprised to see it was Rachel calling him.

"Rachel-"

"I'm on the way to Kurt's house. I think he's going to kill himself and he's not answering his phone," Rachel said in one breath.

"Rachel, he did try to kill himself. I found him in the bathtub. He had slit his wrists and taken a bunch of pills. We're at Lima Memorial," Blaine said. His phone beeped to signal he was getting another incoming call. "Rachel, I'm getting another call. Just head to the hospital. I'll be in the waiting room."

Blaine hung up without waiting for a response and immediately answered the other line. He followed the paramedics as they led Kurt into the hospital but he was immediately taken back to the ICU and Blaine was sent to the waiting room.

"Hello?"

"Blaine, you have to get to my house as fast as possible," Burt's voice drifted over the line.

"Burt, I already did. I'm guessing you got the same text message from Kurt as I did. We're at the hospital."

"Did he . . . ?"

"He attempted suicide yes," Blaine answered sorrowfully.

"I should have been there. I should have seen. . . . Thank God you were there Blaine," Burt said. Blaine could hear tears in his voice. "What did he do?"

"Sir-"

"I need to know, son."

"He slit his wrists and took some pills. He's in the ICU right now. They'll probably pump his stomach but no one is telling me anything right now."

"I'm coming home. I'll catch the next flight out. Until then, you stay by his side. Don't you leave him, Blaine Anderson."

"I won't, sir. I promise."

And Blaine meant it.

**K/B**

The first thing Kurt was aware of when he woke was how sore his stomach and throat were. The second was a warm hand clasped in his left. He lifted his head with some difficulty as it felt much heavier than usual. To his surprise, Blaine was looking back at him, his face filled with relief.

"God, Kurt, don't you ever do that to me again," Blaine said as tears began to stream down his cheeks.

"Blaine?" Kurt asked uncertainly. The last thing he remembered was cutting his wrists and the blood, so much blood.

Guessing what Kurt's question would be, Blaine said, "I was on the way to your house when I got your text message. I found you in time and called the paramedics. Your stomach was pumped and they stitched up your wrists. They said," Blaine choked back a sob, "they said if I hadn't found you, you would be dead."

"I wish I was," Kurt said, letting his head fall back against the pillows.

"Don't say that. You don't mean that," Blaine said, sliding his chair closer to the bed.

"But I do," Kurt said. He tried to lift his arms only to find they were strapped to the bed, along with a wide strap across his torso.

"You're on mandatory suicide watch," Blaine supplied.

"Why are you here?" Kurt demanded. "Shouldn't you be with Karofsky?"

"Kurt, I'm not with Karofsky. I never really was. I only went out with him to try to get over you. But I can't ever get over you. You're my soul mate. I love you. And I'm glad you didn't die, because I can't live without you."

"You're better off without me," Kurt protested.

"No, I'm not," Blaine disagreed. "You are the love of my life and the most amazing person I have ever met. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you'll have me."

Blaine held out the ring Kurt had given back to him several months ago. Kurt looked at it before looking away.

"You don't really want me. No one wants me."

"I'm telling you that I do. God, Kurt, when I thought I'd lost you . . . I don't know what I'd do without you."

Blaine placed a single finger under Kurt's chin and turned his head so Kurt was looking at him. He slowly lowered his head towards Kurt, giving him time to move away if he wanted. Kurt stayed put.

"I love you," Blaine said before pressing a soft kiss to Kurt's lips.

Kurt gasped at the contact, suddenly remembering how much he loved to kiss Blaine. Blaine took the gasp for encouragement and poured his heart into the kiss, showing Kurt just how much he loved him. When he pulled back, Blaine pressed his forehead to Kurt's.

"We're going to get you through this," Blaine promised, "whether you like it or not."

"It's not going to be easy," Kurt said.

"But it will be worth it. I can't live my life without you in it, Kurt."

"Then you better give me that ring back," Kurt quipped.

Blaine chuckled, sliding the ring on Kurt's left ring finger.

"Everything's going to be okay."

"You promise?"

"I promise. We'll get through this, together."


End file.
